Monday, April 29, 2013

TRUTH IS...I WANTED TO DIE Chapter 2--by Sandi Rog

Christine here: Today we conclude with Chapter 2 of Sandi Rog's battle with cancer. Be encouraged with this amazing story of victory. And please check out her amazing novels at the end of this post.

Chapter 2 of Truth is...I wanted to Die--by Sandi Rog
As I watch my mother-in-law (who is a WONDERFUL woman, by the way; Did you know she came all the way from Holland to help us out? She’s a HUGE blessing!), I realize she can teach my kids some wonderful things, things that I fall short in, but she can’t be to them what I can be, what only a mother can be. 

Hmm . . . maybe I am of value?

Then I looked at my husband, he tells me all kinds of things about why he needs me and why he would never want to remarry if he lost me, but it wasn’t until the day he kissed me on my bald head (when he had to help me bathe), that I realized just how much this dear man DOES LOVE ME! That I, despite no longer (IMO, because he tells me I’m beautiful all the time) having any outside beauty, could inspire a man to feel such a deep passionate love that he would kiss me on my bald head . . . all I know is, I broke down in tears when he did that. And he didn’t think twice about kissing me there.

After that, I kept getting more prayers, and GIFTS, TONS of gifts, even from people I didn’t know! My ENTIRE FAMILY got gifts! And I found out my writing friends were promoting my book in ways that it never would have gotten promoted had I remained healthy (or as healthy as one could be with MS). Honestly, the pouring in of help and gifts has been utterly mindboggling. None of us (including my MIL) had ever seen anything like it.

Who were these gifts and help really from?


God worked through all of you to show me His LOVE, love I so desperately needed to see, to feel! Why I don’t feel valuable is another story, one that likely involves my father, but this isn’t about him.

Hubby keeps saying, “God must really love you! Look at everything He’s doing for you during this time!” My MIL (mother-in-law) has stood before us more than once with her mouth hanging open at the outpouring of love surrounding us. We’ve all shed tears over it!

It was as if God was shouting in my face, “YOU ARE LOVED!!!! YOU ARE VALUED!!!” And He’s continuing to SHOUT! He has put my book in magazines, newsletters, church announcements . . . in more places than I ever imagined it would get noticed. Not only that—SO MANY, a COUNTLESS MANY are PRAYING FOR ME. And so many of these people have never even MET ME!

“SANDI!” I hear God shouting because I tend to be deaf. “You are loved!”

One dear friend recently told me to ask what God thinks of me. Ask Him what He thinks, and listen to His still, soft voice.

He’s flooding me with His answer, bending my trunk over with His mighty wind, tossing His waves over me and pressing against me with such mighty passion, He can’t be ignored. I can no longer believe that I am unworthy.

So, on the day of my fortieth birthday, just before I blew out all those candles, I was surrounded by my giggling kids, my smiling husband, and my happy mother-in-law (this was after spending all night in the ER), and when I saw the joy on their faces, especially those of my kids and husband . . .

I knew I wanted to live.

So, just before I blew out those candles, I made my wish, only it was a prayer to my God, and . . .

For the first time, I really asked Him to please, LET ME LIVE.

I’m sorry to disappoint or discourage with my feelings of not wanting to be here. But I had to be honest with all of you. It’s been a rough road. From the time I was five, I’ve wanted to escape the pain of this world. But God has shown me the blessings, has taught me how to count them. It’s not that I was wanting to commit suicide or anything like that. I simply saw cancer as a way out.

So, now I’m fighting, and it’s only through His strength that I’m able to do it. So, it’s all up to Him. I now have the WILL, but only He has the POWER. And no matter what happens in the end, whether I live or die, He WAS, HE IS, and ALWAYS WILL BE my GOD, MY SAVIOR, and my LIVING LORD . . . the God and Master of ALL.

Dear Father God, forgive me for not seeing the good you have given me! Forgive me for allowing the world to wear me down. Forgive me for focusing on the negative. Help me to now focus on YOU, on Your light, on Your strength.

And please dear Lord, I beg You . . . let me LIVE.

Two years later, I’m still here. God let me live, and it was through His apricot kernels that He did it (you can read more about that story on my blog I’m now cancer free! God taught me my value. When I thought I was worth nothing and that my mother-in-law would do a much better job at raising my kids than me, He sat me down on the couch (literally) and forced me to watch my mother-in-law struggle to raise my kids without me. I was too sick to help, too sick to voice my opinion, too sick to do anything but just watch.

The Lord brought blessings upon blessings from my cancer experience, and I thank Him and praise Him for teaching me that I’m not only His precious child, but I am valuable. Gratitude fills my heart, and I will live my live in gratefulness to Him for His precious gift of life, both on this earth and in the next life to come.

Christine here: It has been a true joy to have Sandi as my guest these past two weeks on Monday Inspirations. Though we have not met in person...yet...Sandi is very dear to me. I've grown to love this sweet woman, and appreciate so much her incredible talent as an author. Please look below and buy some of her amazing novels. I can't wait for her to finish her next one. Blessings Sandi---I love you sis.

Drop by Sandi Rog's blog links and her blog on beating cancer

Take a look at Sandi's awesome books that are in my group of favorites. The purchase links are below. She's a historical, adventure-epic style writer, with strong spiritual threads, and deep romance. I highly recommend all her novels.

Purchase link for

Purchase link for The Master's Wall

Purchase link for Yahshua's Bridge

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