Saturday, May 07, 2011


Mothers Day has meant different things for me over the years. As a kid growing up I was thankful I had a good mom---one who sacrificed so her kids would have what they needed.

When I was a young woman of 22 though, Mothers Day became a reminder of great loss. The year prior to that I had relinquished my first child to adoption. As I was ummarried at the time, and though it tore out my heart, it was the best thing for my baby girl. I wanted her to have what I had not had growing up---a mom and a dad.

But God was good, and not long after I'd given up my little one, the Lord sent a really wonderful man into my life who loved me enough to marry me. God filled my empty arms 3 times over in the following years with children of our own.

The years went by, with lots of happy Mothers Days with bouquets of dandelions, and loving cards made of construction paper and stick figures drawn with scented markers. I knew I was loved.

Then 20 years after I'd relinquished my first child to adoption, God enabled my daughter and I to meet again. It was wonderful and terrible all at the same time.

She had grown up into a beautiful, faithful follower of Christ just as I'd prayed. But seeing her again brought back the pain of relinquishing her in the first place. But God encouraged me to put my pain into writing. My loss became my muse.

And 10 years after that, God has allowed my debut novel to be published with the added blessing that my birthdaughter's beautiful face is on the front cover of my book.

Mothers Day is always mixed for me. Great joy to be so loved by my kids, and now my grandkids. And each Mothers Day, instead of silence from my first born, I usually receive a phone call. Oh how I love those phone calls.

God is great.

But if you have not felt the joy of holding your own child in your arms, I'd like to invite you to read my entire story written out here on this blog. It shows that I too felt the pain of an empty womb when I had no child to hold in my arms. And within those chapters are the heart-felt cries of the adoptive mother of my birthdaughter. The real mom to my child. Complex---yes.

Only God can untangle and bring peace to such deep and unfathomable emotions.

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