Christine Lindsay, Writer and Motivational Speaker: Steve's Journal---Addiction Recovery Miracle

ADDICTION RECOVERY MIRACLES--Steve's Journal 1

The following is the first of Addiction Recovery Miracles. I'm praising God that the first true-life story I share on this blog is that of my brother, in Steve's Journal. Continue to read each week as Steve and others share how God released them from the chains of alcohol and drug addiction.

A warning, these journals are full of the true pain of an addict. Some of the thoughts expressed may be difficult for young or those emotionally fragile.

Steve looking healthy and happy now.

August 13, 2012 My last 90 days by Steve Lindsay

My last ninety days have been a rollercoaster emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I guess things were going good for me in April. I had two months sobriety at that point, my finances were coming along. I was feeling good, working regularly, and thought I was moving in the right direction. I was trying to do recovery on my own. I went to lots of AA meetings and honestly thought I was doing well, and had everything under control.

Then payday came.

I got off work Friday at 10 PM. On the way home I started thinking about a drink. I don’t know why. I knew it was a bad idea. But I caved in, grabbed a bottle of vodka, telling myself, “it’s okay, it’s only one bottle for over the weekend, and I’ll be clean and sober for my next shift on Monday.

I finished that 26 ouncer that night, woke up Saturday feeling like *&^%$ . From experience I knew that another drink would make me feel better.

So I went out and got another 26 oz bottle, and some beer.

The whole following week, the cycle continued. I called in sick to work every day, and just stayed home and drank and slept.

I didn’t eat when I was drinking. So by the time a week went by, I was weak, sick, and broke.

I was already three months overdue on my rent, but my landlord was willing to let me catch up slowly. So I sobered up, went back to work, and got on track for about another three weeks.

Then I went and did the whole cycle all over again, falling deeper into debt, falling deeper into depression, afraid of being alone, scared, believing I had no future or anything to live for.

The only thing stopping me from ending it all was my two daughters. I couldn’t hurt them with my death. So I cleaned up again. And for another few weeks, I was good again. But I was constantly lonely.

At this point I had an understanding of God and of His power, but my ego and shame would not let me give myself over to Him, even though I knew He was the only one who could save me.

Then I started drinking again. And this time I didn’t care. After a week of drinking hard core, I drove to the drugstore, bought a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of vodka. I had given up. I couldn’t go on. I thought that while it would hurt my daughters and family, that it was better to end it, instead of continuing to hurt them with my drinking for years to come.

I wasn’t afraid to die, and was looking forward to it. No more pain, suffering, or loneliness. No more hurting or abusing the people I loved with my drinking. I downed all the pills, drank the full bottle of vodka and lay down on my bed, expecting the end to come quickly, that I would never wake up. I even put my bible on my bedside table and a picture of my daughters.

But I didn’t die. After a while I felt only foolish and very sick.

I continued to drink and think about suicide, looking for the easy painless way out.

July 18, 2012, I finished yet another bottle, went to bed and thought of how I could kill myself in the morning. It was down to slitting my wrists or poison. I couldn’t bring myself to cutting my wrists, so I grabbed a bottle of household cleaner and a bottle of window cleaner. I sat on my patio smoking and thinking about finishing the job this time.

It took me eight hours to finally lift the bottle of household cleaner and drink it down. I went to bed expecting to never wake up. But a couple of hours later I woke up sicker than I ever was before, but still alive.

My sister Irene came to check on me. She knew I was bingeing again. Irene, also an alcoholic, took one look at me and said she couldn’t handle it anymore.

I told her I tried to hurt myself. She said to call 911 myself, that she could no longer deal with me and left.

I felt so alone, so helpless. Even if Irene who also struggled with alcohol addiction had abandoned me, I was truly alone.

But Irene had not abandoned me, anymore than God had. She went home and phoned the police.

The cops came, talked to me until the paramedics arrived to take me to the hospital.

I spent the next three weeks in the psychiatric ward where my mother, my sister Christine and her husband David, and Irene and her husband Bill rallied around me. I couldn’t let my oldest daughter Alisha know, not wanting to scare her. And I couldn’t tell Kristen, since she had washed her hands of me a year earlier.

With my mother’s love and that of my sisters and their husbands, I realized I wanted to end this misery. Get normal. Get help. That I did have things to live for.

I had finally reached a point of complete destruction, humility and surrender. I was now ready for God to work His miracles on me. My ego was crushed so I was able to open my mind and heart to allow Him to heal me body, mind, and soul.

I have to get alcohol out of my life, and get the therapy to allow God to show me the real me.

Now, August 2012, I am here in Inner Vision Recovery, scared, overwhelmed, uncertain, but willing and knowing this is my best and last chance to regain my life and sanity.

STEVE'S JOURNAL CHAPTER 2--Recovery at Inner Vision

The following is the second installment of Steve's Journal, his walk through recovery from alcoholism.

August 2012

So here I am, at Inner Vision, a recovery house to finally get the help I so desperately need. I am so scared and confused. What have I gotten myself into? I’m on a site with two houses and about 20 guys living here.

The program is a 60-day commitment which seems like an eternity at the beginning.

Seeing all the different guys—to say the least—is over-whelming. What kind of place is this? Is it like a jail?

There are a variety of different men. Some from the typical addict living on the street, to the successful business types, and all sorts in between. Two of the first guys I met are “Downey the Clownie” and “Mark the Hammer”. If you saw these guys on the street, you’d run the other way. They look like long-term jail birds. Cold, hard, nasty.

Turns out, they are 2 of the nicest, kindest people you could ever meet. As you can see, as in any situation where there are a lot of guys together, nicknames quickly become part of the culture. They’re calling me “Big Shrek” due to my size and quick wit.

The first few days were a real eye-opener. Were all suffering from a disease, and just like cancer or any other life-threatening disease, it isn’t selective or impartial. The disease of addiction takes any and all comers.

I’m learning that many people, including some doctors and professionals, think that it’s a matter of will power and choice. This is not true. An addict’s brain is different. This has been proven in MRI’s, cat scans, and studies. Our brains function differently.

Addiction doesn’t care who you are or what you are, or what your social status is. Once it gets its grip on you, there is no cure. It is deadly and destructive and affects not only the addict but all those lives around them. Addiction can bring about a long, slow, painful death, or bring life to an end very quickly.

But make no mistake, left untreated alcoholism and drug addiction will kill.

Addiction is a serious disease that affects mind, body, and spirit. The counselors in our daily sessions tell us that you must treat all 3 of these areas, or there will never be a complete recovery and a daily reprieve.

That’s what true healing from this disease is—a daily reprieve that needs daily maintenance.

Just like a cancer or heart disease patient needs to change their lives in order to beat their illness, so too does the addict. If a person is willing to do the work and make serious changes, there is hope.

I desperately want to change. I can’t go on living the life I have been leading. It’s been miserable, lonely, and without direction or satisfaction.

I can see now that God has been patiently waiting for me, but I had to come willingly to Him. It had to be my choice, and with total surrender to Him. But to get to this point, God had to let me reach it on my own. His protective hand has been upon me, always letting me go only so far, like a father teaching a child to walk. But until I was willing to hand over total control to Him, nothing was going to work or save me.

So, I’m here at Inner Vision Recovery House, looking for to, and expecting change, and with a growing faith that God will save me, and that He is the only one who can.

It sure helps having a prayer army behind the scenes—my family and friends praying with nothing but love, all going to God on my behalf.

God can see that I am now ready for a transformation. Now He can do His work in me. He can now bless me with His miracles.

Now the real journey begins.

STEVE'S JOURNAL CHAPTER 3

My brother Steve 8 months sober

This is chapter 3, a day in the life of an addict in Recovery House.

My day begins at 6:30 a.m. Everyone must get up. No sleeping in. We all have chores to do. There are no official cooks here at the recovery house, or cleaning staff, so we all work together to run the house on a daily basis.

We make our bed, clean our rooms and keep them neat and tidy. All part of teaching us to be respectful, and responsible adults. Something none of us has been living for a long time.

All tasks are monitored and failure or incompetence will be dealt with. If you won’t follow simple rules, then you are not ready for recovery.

Our group got lucky. One of the guys is a professional cook in the navy, so the food is pretty good.

Good food is one of the keystones to recover. Before, as we lived in addiction, eating and looking after ourself became less and less important. We started to fade away. As for myself, before I came to Recovery House, I had entered the hospital at 180 lbs, considerably under weight for my age and height of 6’2”.

Eating good is all part of the three-pronged plan of recover. Heal the mind, body, and spirit.

After we get up, get ready, do our chores, eat breakfast, it’s time to start the day. The first thing the new guy must do, is write about his last ninety days, leaving nothing out—acts, deeds, thoughts, emotions and finally results.

When completed, you must share this with two other guys and they will share their last ninety days with you. It’s a great way to connect with the other men and to see that you are no different. We all suffered, but we all are looking for change.

Next you write a letter to yourself, describing who you are, what happened, why you are here, what you hope to gain from this experience, and where you see yourself in a year. This letter is handed in to the staff and will be returned to you if you reach one year of sobriety. The staff makes a point of showing you the stacks of unclaimed letters in an effort to demonstrate the realities of the disease.

Not many will recover. Many will relapse, and many will die.

So with those tasks completed, I’m ready to start my recovery program.

At 8:00 a.m. we watch a video about addiction, usually about half an hour, then we have an hour to get to work on our step work, do our journaling, or go for a walk which is encouraged again to repair our bodies.

The program is abstinence based on the AA twelve steps of recovery. Lots of work, so you have to approach it openly, honestly, complete with an open mind. If you do not, you’re just wasting your time, only hurting and cheating yourself.

At nine-thirty, the first half of group starts. Twenty guys in a room with a group leader discussing addiction, what it is, how it’s affected us, our lives, and what we can do to live with it in a far better manner than we were.

There is no cure, only a daily reprieve. Addiction is only part of our problem. It masks our deeper issues. One can take alcohol or drugs out of our lives, yet still be miserable, discontent and unhappy. We will address all this in order to change ourselves.

Ten-thirty, we get a half hour break then at 11 we start the second half of group.

Group is a powerful thing. Twenty different men, but all the same, big, tough, burly men reduced to tears. But there is a great sense of trust and security here. We face our demons together. You grow close with love and support, and receive a great feeling of belonging.

Twelve noon is lunch. More great food!!!Then the afternoon is ours to use for step work, chores, interaction, going for walk or to the gym. Each step assigned is given about 4 or 5 days to complete, then it is reviewed with a counsellor.

It doesn’t take long to figure out who is serious or not. Your work will tell the story. Those who don’t take it seriously are quickly found out and weeded out. The pack mentality will not tolerate weakness in commitment as it jeopardizes all our sobriety.

Be here to recover and change . . . or get out.

Five p.m. dinner time. Doesn’t take long to start putting on weight and feeling healthy. After dinner, half of us go to a local AA meeting or NA meeting while the other half does their step work. Tomorrow evening we will switch.

It may seem like our day is largely devoted to step work and it is. That’s what’s going to fix us. That’s why we’re here, but interaction participation and duties to the house, and to the other guys is also encouraged.

It’s a ‘we’ program, not an ‘I’ program. We need the strength of the group. Together we can. I can’t do it alone. We have all tired that, and it doesn’t work.

So, our day winds down. We hang out, joke, laugh. It feels so good to really laugh again. Most of us haven’t laughed in years. It feels comfortable and safe here. We must be in our rooms and quiet by midnight. Time to get some sleep and start all over again tomorrow.

One day down. Fifty-nine to go.

Steve's Journal Chapter 4

My brother Steve continues his journal of recovery. There's lots more answered prayer to come. Stay tuned.

Steven's Journal Chapter 4

As I begin this process, I learn that sixty days, the first set of steps, changing attitudes, actions, and deeds will not magically transform me. It is only a beginning of the process. It took forty-one years to become who and what I am, God will accelerate the change, but it has to happen in His time. I have to be open, honest, and willing to give a real effort. To want it with all my heart and soul.

We will reach the point of wanting to change, or die. We cannot say, “I’ll do anything, but.” Unfortunately, I’ve seen myself put limitations on recovery as I start to feel better. I take back self control, allow my ego to get back in the driver’s seat, and distance myself from God again. This is the path to failure and relapse, that are never far behind.

So for those of you that don’t know or understand the twelve steps of AA and recovery, I’ll sum them up.

The first few are to admit, recognize, and accept addiction has taken over our lives, causing life to become totally unmanageable. We are unable to stop, and no human power can fix us. Only God can save us, change us, and give us peach and the lives we so desire.

Next is taking responsibility for our past, admitting our faults, character defects, and sins, leaving nothing out. Anything and everything must come out or this will not work. The great thing about rehab and AA is you feel safe, and there is no need for embarrassment. You are surrounded by people who have all done the same or worse. Love and support abound, and everyone works together so we can all succeed.

Next you need to admit to yourself, to God, and to another person, all your sins, faults, and the wreckage of your past. This is one of the hardest parts—asking God for His forgiveness, and harder yet, forgiving myself. We are always hardest on ourselves. If you can forgive yourself, and truly believe in God’s grace and forgiveness, the great weight of darkness, shame and guilt will start to be removed, then you can continue.

Next is examining your past, taking responsibility for it, seeing your part in it. If this is done thoroughly, it will become self evident that it was mostly our fault. We have a self destructive attitude that undermines our whole life.

Now upon listing and seeing all the evil, hurt, damage, pain, suffering, abuse, we have done and caused, we pledge to make up for it as best we can. With God’s help, we ask those we have wronged to forgive us, and to tell them that we are willing to change. We are now clearing the wreckage of our past, shedding light on it, and ultimately removing its power over us.

We address our resentments, and the resentment of others towards us. Basically, a house cleaning of mind, spirit, and emotions.

Now we can make a plan of action to continue to change, to hand our lives over to God, to improve our lives, and the lives of those around us. To strive to be the people we want to be and should be. Happy, content, contributing, productive members of society. With this plan in place, God in our lives, the program, and tools we have learned at our disposal, we start doing daily maintenance through prayer, new actions, thoughts, and deeds, admitting when we are wrong, asking for forgiveness, and living a life we no longer have to be ashamed of. Forgiveness only comes if you don’t intend on doing the offensive action again. Forgiveness is not a free pass to continue on the old path.

Finally, and most important, is to pass along our grace, change, hope and program of recovery. It is the ultimate statement that for us to continue to receive God’s blessing and the blessing of recovery we must give it away.

The great sense of satisfaction and fulfillment we get after helping another alcoholic is unlike anything I have ever felt or imagined.

So as you can see, there is a lot to deal with. We only begin to scratch the surface here. It is a live-long journey with only a daily reprieve, but the process has started. In all the steps God is the integral key, because without Him, there is no hope.

Only He can save us.

STEVE'S JOURNAL-Chapter 5

Moving along the process here at Inner Vision Recovery House, I am gaining great insight into who I am, why I am the way I am, and who I want to be.

Addiction and alcoholism has had me in a death grip for a long time, but it is not what defines me. My actions, thoughts, and deeds are molded and shaped by those in my life. Experience has guided me in my decisions. I can blame life, others, places, and things, but the truth is I’m passing blame and responsibility.

The problems in my life, the sadness and misery are due to the decisions I have made.

Alcohol clouded my mind and made it easier to deal with poor decisions or pushed me in certain directions, but my subconscious was hard at work.
Self will and selfishness was driving me for most of my life.

For me to move forward from here, to who I want to be and the life I want, I must change my attitude, actions, and thoughts. With God’s grace, His direction for me, I can transform. I want to do it myself, but I do need to participate in the process. I have wallowed in self pity, guilt and shame, all of which will be removed by taking responsibility and asking for forgiveness, finally changing how I choose to live my life from this point on.

God only wants what is best for me. He’s been waiting for me, and now all I have to do is reach for it, be open and honest, allow my in-born God-consciousness to take ove,r and I can achieve not only freedom from addiction but new life.

In the house I’m seeing guys reach that point and seeing the change in them. You can see a physical and mental change. It shows on their faces and how how they carry themselves and treat those around them. In moving forward, I know God is with me. Together we will walk this journey.

Please come along. It’s going to be an interesting ride.

And in the months ahead, I have to adjust to living outside of this warm and safe cocoon. The day is coming when my 60 days are up, and I will have to go out again into the real world, and take what I have learned.

The day is coming when I will have to leave this safe place where I have learned to live again.

STEVE'S JOURNAL-Chapter 6

STEVEN'S JOURNAL--ADDICTION REOVERY MIRACLE--IT COULD HAPPEN FOR YOU TOO.

It’s odd for a house that was built to address so much sadness and pain that there’s a lot of laughter going on. The humor in the recovery house would cause most sailors to blush and the average reader of this blog to have their ears bleed, but remember these are hard men with hard lives.

We come from past full of pain, suffering, lack of emotion, true survivalists in worlds that kill and maim on a daily basis. Those who weren’t tough and strong got crushed. Now as we are healing, laughter is the first emotion to return. It is the first hole in the dam to all the rest.

We didn’t decide to sober up and change our lives to remain miserable. We could have remained miserable in our addiction. At least in our addiction, we could numb ourselves to it and block out the pain.

Now we laugh as we haven’t laughed in years. The jokes and humor are never malicious, nor meant to hurt or denigrate. There are lines and limits we do not cross.

Usually, we begin the day by laughing. I’m lucky to be here in late summer, so the weather is great. At 6:30 a.m. we’re all up, showered, dressed, and stumbling around the kitchen looking for our first cup of coffee.

Someone will start with something funny, and we go from there. Every guy, even the non-smokers bring their coffee out to the smoke pit behind the house to sit in lawn chairs beneath a canopy near a huge chestnut tree.
Like a bunch of brothers we keep up the joking and laughing. I have not felt so alive in years.

This outside smoke pit is our relaxing place when we aren’t in class or meetings or doing our step-work. This is where we break in the new guys that arrive each week, or say goodbye to those who have finished the first part of their recovery program. This is where we have some of our best conversations. The chestnut tree above us is filled with squirrels, and occasionally a squirrel will drop a chestnut on one of the guy’s heads. Or the housecat will start to chase a squirrel. Laughing at these simple things is like water to a man dying of thirst.

And then we laugh at ourselves. If we laugh at some of the crazy things we have done, it takes the shame and pain out of it. Let’s face it—as addicts we have done some stupid but also hilarious things. Some of the odd things and actions that in our addicted minds we could justify and accept as normal, now seem to be great comedy—at least to us.

Like my heroin-addict friend filling his syringe from Lake Ontario as he reads a sign saying this water is not suitable for swimming due to high mercury and lead content. So he tells himself, “well I ain’t gonna swim in here no more.”

We laugh as another friend tells us of the time he dressed as a lady and went to the bank to cash a cheque he stole from a neighbor, swearing he was her. And then there are all the stories of waking up in strange places, with strange people. One of our favorite inside jokes is that instead of breaking out in rashes like most people, we break out in handcuffs, all due to ridiculous actions we undertook to feed our addictions. We now look back, shake our heads and laugh. If we don’t laugh, we will cry forever.

We have done enough crying, maybe not on the outside, but in our minds and souls the tears were a mighty river.

We now thirst to enjoy life, see the positive side to everything. Even the worst things we have done and become are “now tools” we can learn from.

It really is true, laughter is the best medicine—it heals the heart and soul. God must have had a sense of humor and wanted us to enjoy it.

Have you ever seen a platypus? Nuff said.

The brain receives the same endorphins and rush from laughing as it does from whatever our addictions were with no side effects. But you can go through withdrawal from a lack of laughter in your life.

Believe me, the toughest guy in here has broken down and cried. It’s good for us as it cleanses and purges out the negatives, but now we would rather focus on the positive. Laugh and walk with a smile on our face for the first time ever in some cases, but definitely a long time for most.

STEVE'S JOURNAL Chapter 7

Me and my daughter Kristen before I lost her love and respect.

The whole reason for going through this recovery process has been because of a total feeling of an unsatisfying life. There was no joy, love, or contentment, only overwhelming despair. I needed to change, to bring some source of fulfillment to my life.

The final straw that got me here was when Kristen, my sweet, loving 15-year-old daughter, no longer wanted me as a part of her life. I could live this most of the pain and misery my addiction brought me, but not that!

Dear God, not that! To know I had hurt her so deeply and become the type of father I did not want to be was just too much.

The program promises us life while we get better if we only try. So I have grabbed on to this whole heartedly. I have to change or die, no in-between. In this short time I have been in recovery house, I have seen changes in my life, actions, thoughts and deeds. The promises are starting to take effect.

My oldest daughter, 16-year-old Alisha, is very supportive, proud of my reaching out for recovery, and full of love. I get to go home on the weekends. Well...home...but not my home as that no longer exists, but to my brother-in-law and sister’s home. Two of the kindest, loving people you could ever meet. They have opened their home and lives to me, been so supportive and understanding. My whole family as rallied around me in love and support, and are very proud of my willingness to change. So, it’s not my home...feels a bit awkward...but it’s safe, and it will grow to feel like home to me in time.

My two beatiful daughters, Kristen and Alisha with my mother at my niece's wedding.

I have friends that love and support me, and I have a sense of belonging now. Hopes and dreams are returning. My sister Christine keeps encouraging me in my dream to one day take my daughters on a vacation to Disneyland. I’m hanging on to that. If Kristen will ever forgive me.

Most of all I have my daughter Alisha to push me forward. Kristen still isn’t talking to me or wanting anything to do with me. That may change, or it may take many years. It also may never change, and I’ll have to live with the results of that broken relationship due to my former actions.

If I have any hope of repairing that relationship, it will all hinge on me continuing to recover, stay sober and become the man and father I so desperately want to be. I have to be someone Kristen can respect before she can trust and eventually love me again.

15-year-old Kristen at my niece's wedding before I lost her.

I have faith that God will soften her heart, just like He softened my heart to reach out for recovery. If He can fix a wreck like me, He can do anything. Everything in His time, not mine. Life isn’t and never will be total sunshine and ease, but it will get better. I will get better. I will be whole to face life’s challenges and appreciate the rewards and pleasure, for the good times and good things.

It ain’t perfect, but way better than it was or where I was going. Life is better than death.

I will get better one day at a time, and I will reap the rewards, savor them and appreciate them.

Rock on, the journey continues. Trust in God, He will make it happen.

If you want to connect with Steve, here is his facebook link

STEVE'S JOURNAL---ADDICTION RECOVERY MIRACLE Chapter 8

My time here at the recovery house is growing short. Hard to believe it’s gone so fast. When I came in here, I didn’t really want to stay—sixty days may as well have been sixty years. I didn’t know what to expect or if it would work. I did know that I had to give it an honest effort, and I have.

I have had a great opportunity to examine myself and my life, who and what I am, and who and where I want to be. I’ve been given the tools and resources to change my life and future. It’s up to me now to make the choice for change and start living a happy, healthy, productive life without shame or guilt, filled with love and hope.

The house and the guys have really grown into home for me. I feel comfortable and safe here, but I know it’s only a stepping stone to the rest of my life. It’s time to move on to the next stage.

Everyday more and more of the men I came in here with are reaching the end of their stays. It’s sad to see them leave. It will be interesting to see how their journeys turn out. How many of us will be here to celebrate next year?

Some are going to second stage housings. It’s like a half-way house run by the recovery program. It’s had a greater success rate than guys just going home to their old lives, homes and families. I’m going to my sister’s house.

My life is completely new, my sister and brother-in-law are taking me in. I have no home of my own anymore. I strangely don’t have any regret about not going home to my own house, and old life. That’s the past. I’m starting off fresh and new.

It’s a bit awkward now in my sister’s place. They love me, want to support me and say they want me around. I’m no burden, but I know it can’t be easy for them. I appreciate their opening their home and lives to me. I want to make them proud as well as be respectful, helpful, loving and kind.

It’s going to be an adjustment for all of us. For now, it’s a great comfort to know I am surrounded by love and people that want to see me succeed and start living a happy life.

Here in my sister’s place, I have a home AA group, friends in the program, a sponsor. I’m going to church every Sunday, and have joined a Bible study group to enrich the spiritual side of my program. I have all the tools I need for success now. It’s up to me to do the work, persevere and become a better me each day. If I want it and work hard for it, I will succeed and reach my goals and dreams. There is hope now, and I’m moving towards a bright future.