WHY SOME BIRTH-MOTHERS
SHOULD NOT KEEP THEIR BABIES
As a birth-mother that's a hard thing for me to say, because I believe major reforms to adoption are badly needed today. Too many women are placing their babies in domestic adoption because their immediate circumstances force them to. Poor financial means, no support can make or break a family. But not all birth-mothers should keep their babies. Not every woman who gets pregnant will be a good mother, and therefore adoption is the best choice for that child.
Time and time again, we read horrific stories of biological
mothers who abandon their children, leave them in cars and then disappear from
their kids’ lives to pursue their drug or alcohol addiction. Or birth-mothers
who escape from an abusive situation, but to our shock leave their vulnerable
kids with that sadistic man. Horrendous stories like these go on and on. In
situations like these I applaud those foster parents and adoptive parents who
open their hearts and homes to parent these precious children.
Not all birth-moms are like this, thank God. So many of us are (or
will become) pillars of the community just like many adoptive parents. I’m so
glad the adoptive parents of my daughter Sarah told her while she was growing
up what kind of woman I was, a good woman who made a tremendous sacrifice, and
that I loved her with all my heart.
But the other side of the coin needs to be addressed. Not all
birth-mothers or birth-fathers should keep their babies. The following is an
excerpt from Finding Sarah Finding Me
that gives us a glimpse into that fact.
Trying
to Imagine My Daughter’s Reunion with Her Birth Parents
by adoptive father David Sanford, author of Thriving as an Adoptive Family
I wept
hard the day my wife, Renée, and I formally asked if we could adopt our
youngest daughter, Anna. We wept in response to reading a two-inch high stack
of police reports, medical records, evaluations, reports, and other official
documents describing the hell Anna endured during the first three years of her
life.
That
spring Renée and I received the great news that we were approved to adopt Anna.
When we went to her foster home, she literally jumped into our arms and said,
“It’s my family!” A week later she moved to our home. That evening she and our
youngest son, Benjamin, spontaneously started dancing to the music playing in
the background. An hour later they were still dancing. Our hearts were
overflowing with gratitude and love.
I
could write a book telling story after story about why I love, cherish and
adore Anna. Then again, as we knew would be the case, the nightmares of her
past came back to haunt her and us during her early adolescence. Three stories
stand out as particularly poignant and apropos.
Shortly
after this past Thanksgiving, a few weeks before her fifteenth birthday, Anna
told me she had a secret. She then proceeded to tell me about a lullaby she has
sung to herself every night since we adopted her. I asked her to write down the
simple lyrics, which appear below. Anna was clear, “These lyrics are how I sing
it, not necessarily what my birth-dad and mom sang to me.” It turns out the
lyrics may be echoes of Randy Newman’s song “Sandman’s Coming” sung by Linda
Ronstadt (and others). In any case, I designed a poster for Anna with a dark
blue sky, moon and stars in the background and the lyrics of Anna’s lullaby in
bold black letters.
Sleep
our little baby,
Sleep
our little girl,
Mommy
and Daddy love you,
Sleep
our little baby, sleep.
Some
days later I took Anna on a date to a nice restaurant. Anna was all smiles. I
explained to her that two of our goals that evening were to have fun and make
sure we got to know our server by name and make it a fun evening for him too.
To say the least, Anna loved the idea and we had a delightful time talking,
teasing our server, and talking some more.
At one
point Anna brought up her nightmares about her birth-father. I looked down. In
a low voice I wondered aloud if he was still alive. Unbeknownst to me, Anna
misunderstood my demeanor and statement. The next morning when she talked it
over with Renée, Anna said I wished her birth-father were dead. Renée
immediately corrected her, saying I would never say something like that, to
Anna’s great relief.
That
previous evening Anna also brought up her birth-mother. I surprised her by
saying that a couple of years earlier Renée had found a photo of her birth-mom
on Facebook. As promised, I looked through our archives and found the photo
Renée had downloaded and printed. Sadly, the photo “backfired” almost
immediately. Anna’s acting out behaviors became much worse, including shallow
but extensive cuttings up and down her wrist. As well, Anna’s nightmares about
her birth-father got worse.
In
English shortly after New Year’s, Anna and her classmates were asked to write a
poem in class. After a few minutes Anna stopped writing and sat at her desk in
a reflective mood. Her teacher walked over and asked if Anna was still trying
to get an idea for her poem. Anna handed a page to her.
After
reading the page, Anna’s teacher asked who wrote it.
“I
did,” Anna replied.
“But
it’s been only a few minutes.”
“I
know. The poem came to me very quickly.”
“This
sounds like an older, more experienced writer.”
Anna
wasn’t sure what to say next. “Our poems aren’t due for a few days, so I may
work on mine a bit more.”
That
evening Anna and I read through her poem several times. An idea came to her and
she quickly typed three more lines about “my shredded paper heart.” With her
permission, I’ve reprinted the finished poem below.
Who am I?
Who am I? Who are you?
Me Daughter. You Father.
Father?
Yes Father.
That’s
who you are.
I
know you, but
you
do not know me.
Sweat,
blood, anger, fear,
they’re
all one to me,
one
person. But who?
Let
me tell you...
The
sweat is from nightmares that haunt me still today,
but
these nightmares are memories,
memories
of you Father.
Blood
is what came from the gash in my head,
the
one you gave me Father, remember?
Blood
from the cut on my heart,
my
shredded paper heart, for
I
have been torn apart by your words.
Anger
is the gnashing of teeth,
the
hate that triples every time your hand hit my side.
Fear
is still tied to my past,
the
fear of not letting go.
The
fear that you’re still here.
Who
am I? Who are you?
I
know who I am, but
I
don't know you.
—Annalise C. Sanford
As you
undoubtedly have guessed, trying to imagine Anna’s reunion with her birth-father
is almost impossible apart from a miracle of God.
Then
again, could arrangements be made for Anna to meet her birth-mom sometime in
the next few years? Yes, though Renée and I know it could “backfire” and send
Anna spiraling seemingly out of control for weeks, maybe months.
After
all, what could that woman possibly say to Anna’s desperate questions: “How
could you abandon me as a baby? How could you leave me with that man? Do you
have any idea how badly I was abused emotionally, physically and sexually the
next couple of years? Why did you flee without me?”
What
does the future hold for Anna? Much sorrow and much good. This evening I told
Anna how I deeply wished I could erase all the horror of her first years of
life. She looked at me and replied, “But Dad, if you could do that, how would I
ever be able to help others?”
Who
knows? God still makes trophies of grace. Anna certainly is one. We pray that
God uses her to win her birth-mother’s heart. We also pray for the conversion
of her birth-father and his reconciliation with the precious young woman that
Anna is becoming.
This excerpt from the braided memoir Finding Sarah Finding Me was written by David
Sanford, author of Thriving as an Adoptive Family. I placed David's piece about his adopted daughter Anna as the first vignette in my book because adoption can save the life of a child. And this is what it's all about. Putting the children first. Not me as a birth-mom, and not a prospective adoptive mom because she wants a baby.
Let's keep our focus in adoption, that we must always put the needs of the children first.
WINNER of Canada's The Word Guild Award, and finalist for the SELAH award.WHY SOME BIRTH-MOTHERS SHOULD NOT KEEP THEIR BABIES
Trying to Imagine My Daughter’s Reunion with Her Birth Parents
by adoptive father David Sanford, author of Thriving as an Adoptive Family
Let's keep our focus in adoption, that we must always put the needs of the children first.
A Braided memoir that shares stories from all sides of the Adoption Triad: For Adoptive parents, those hoping to adopt, Adoptees, birth-parents, foster parents, etc.
Finding Sarah, Finding Me:
Sometimes it is only through giving up our hearts that we learn to trust the Lord.
Adoption. It’s something that touches one in three people today, a word that will
conjure different emotions in those people touched by it. A word that might represent the greatest hope…the greatest question…the greatest sacrifice.
But most of all, it’s a word that represents God’s immense love for his people.
Join birth mother Christine Lindsay as she shares the heartaches, hopes, and epiphanies of her journey to reunion with the daughter she gave up...and to understanding her true identity in Christ along the way.
Through her story and glimpses into the lives of other families in the adoption triad, readers will see the beauty of our broken families, broken hearts, and broken dreams when we entrust them to our loving God.
But most of all, it’s a word that represents God’s immense love for his people.
Join birth mother Christine Lindsay as she shares the heartaches, hopes, and epiphanies of her journey to reunion with the daughter she gave up...and to understanding her true identity in Christ along the way.
Click HERE to read Chapter 1 of Finding Sarah Finding Me
100% of author royalties will be donated to GAiN, Global Aid Network Women's and Children's Initiative.
Thriving as an Adoptive Family: I was my honor to be one of the contributing writers to this book by David and Renee Sanford.
Adoption is a high calling from God, and the Christian home primary soil for planting seeds of faith.
But how will post-adoption challenges affect this growth? Most agencies do a great job of connecting families with children who need a forever family. Not many prepare you for the unexpected issues―an adopted child fighting with his new siblings or not wanting to be touched or showing signs of reactive attachment disorder (RAD). The more you know, the more confident you will be to meet the unique needs of your adopted child and your entire family.
This distinctly Christian book will equip readers to be successful adoptive parents. Packed from cover to cover with information, advice, ideas, and resources, Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family will inspire and inform parents committed to making adoption work. Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family is the one parenting resource that provides comprehensive, topical, Bible-based solutions for the inevitable challenges after adoption.
But how will post-adoption challenges affect this growth? Most agencies do a great job of connecting families with children who need a forever family. Not many prepare you for the unexpected issues―an adopted child fighting with his new siblings or not wanting to be touched or showing signs of reactive attachment disorder (RAD). The more you know, the more confident you will be to meet the unique needs of your adopted child and your entire family.
This distinctly Christian book will equip readers to be successful adoptive parents. Packed from cover to cover with information, advice, ideas, and resources, Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family will inspire and inform parents committed to making adoption work. Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family is the one parenting resource that provides comprehensive, topical, Bible-based solutions for the inevitable challenges after adoption.
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