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2014, David and me with all of our children, including Sarah,
after the Lord brought us through years of healing.
Left to Right Back row: Lana, David, me, Sarah,
Front row: Kyle and Robert
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But when you fail—and believe me—you will fail, the worst thing you can do is wallow in guilt. What your children need, no matter what their age, is that you forgive yourself. With this caveat; learn from your mistakes to become a better parent.
My
parenting skills were put to the test when I began to search for my
birth-daughter, Sarah, my baby girl I gave up for adoption in 1979. Sarah and I
never saw each other again, until 20 years later at our adoption reunion. The
intense emotions of the search, during and after the reunion put me as a woman
and as a mother through the emotional ringer. I failed my children; my daughter
Lana and her two brothers, including my birth-daughter Sarah.
Below is a
slightly abridged excerpt from Finding
Sarah Finding Me that focuses on our journey as a family back to wholeness This scene takes place in 1999:
~*~
Lana and the boys are so ready to
accept this shift in their family orbit. But as much as I love their biological
sister, Sarah, if for one minute I thought meeting her would hurt the kids I’ve
raised, I’d stop everything. The paradox hits me between the eyes. These are my
kids. But Sarah is my firstborn, and the distance between us is creating a
constantly widening rift in my soul. Still, as much as I crave a relationship
with Sarah, I can’t even meet her if it risks hurting the children who live
safely beneath my roof.
Relief shores me up—my kids are
reacting positively to the reunion, and the appointment is set. I don’t have to
make that awful decision, which is good because I’m not sure how much more
shifting of my orbit I can take, or how much longer I can deny my maternal
feelings for this daughter I relinquished. I’ve often wondered how God managed
to properly love the ninety-nine sheep he left behind to go out searching the
hills for that little one that was lost. Is my love for my “lost sheep” starting to overshadow my love for those safely within my fold?
~*~
The
excerpt above shows the cracks in my mothering. As I focused much of my
attention on my birth-daughter, I didn’t realize that I was laying the
foundation for great pain in my daughter Lana’s heart. Years later, Lana would
exhibit that sadness in ways that would break my heart as much as losing her
sister to adoption had. So often, we can pay great attention to a prodigal child, or the child who suffers from severe health issues, or just simply the more needy, demanding child. The quiet—seemingly unruffled child—can be quietly suffering, and we as parents have no idea.
In the following excerpt
from Finding Sarah Finding Me, I realized
my failure as a mother:
~*~
My fear stretches across the expanse
of my desk toward the woman from Student Life as she says, “Lana is in the
hospital. She took an overdose of pills last night.”
Boys don’t always notice when Mom
isn’t all she should be. Daughters are different, as though they’re looking to
their mothers as a rough sketch of what it will mean for them to be women,
rejecting and incorporating aspects of us as they grow.
During the search and reunion with
Sarah, the boys were too young to notice my struggles for stability, especially
since they had a great dad who made up for it all. In the years after the
reunion, with good therapy and a renewed focus on God’s Word, I returned to the
mom I used to be, even striving to be better.
But off and on during those two or
three years of Lana’s impressionable teens, I’d let depression, poor
self-esteem, and my own suicidal thoughts filter in to my children’s lives.
Lana took emotional refuge at her friends’ houses, friends who often only added
to her confusion. No matter how much I’ve changed since then, the damage was
done.
~*~
Is there a
way back from that kind of failure as a parent?
Yes, yes,
yes, a thousand times yes.
In the next excerpt you can read the the beginning of Lana’s and my journey back to wholeness, and the joy that we
experience today. Another excerpt from Finding
Sarah Finding Me:
~*~
Lana
looks up and starts to cry as I near her hospital bed. Even from a few feet
away I see her tremble. Something deep inside me dies. I have done this to my
child. She lifts a hand to wipe her cheek like the little girl she once was, as
vulnerable as when I used to hold her hand to cross the road. Vulnerable but
alive! It could so easily have been otherwise, but God protected her. We both
still breathe, our hearts still pump. Though we’re both bruised as crushed
reeds, there is hope. I’ll give my all to see her find joy.
Sitting
down beside her bed, squeezing her hand, I weep as I tell her, “I love you.
More than life itself.” She nods, tears streaking her pale and tired face, and whispers, “I know, Mom. I know you love me.
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One of my favorite photos of Lana. She and I traveled to Ireland in 2006. One of the
many things we did to bring us both back to wholeness as mother and daughter.
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~*~
You will fail as
a parent, but there is hope.
·
Admit your failure to yourself and to
your children.
·
But don’t remain there in a wallowing
state of sorrow and shame.
·
Pick up your feet, and with God’s help
learn from your mistakes and become the parent your child needs, even if they
are 3 years old or 30.
And as in all my books, there is a happy ending. You just have to read the book to find out how we all got there. The reason there is a happy ending to all my books is because I believe in Jesus Christ. He is the answer to all my wants, needs, and prayers.
For more about Finding Sarah Finding Me Click HERE
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